Hands of Time
by SuNRisESuNSeT96
Summary: Yes, Sirius loved life even at its worst but not anymore, because now life meant Azkaban and Dementors, and seeing Lily and James' bodies lying unmoving on the floor of the half-destroyed cottage. It meant being alone at a small dark place and he was terrified (and he was a Black, Blacks weren't scared).


I don't own _Harry Potter_

I don't own the lyrics of _Hand of Time_

This is a one-shot but I'm going to use the character of Sirius Black from it in my story _Searching for the Traitor_. I've always liked him and I nearly threw my copy of the book after Joe killed him.

Semi-AU

This Sirius will be used in my chapter-fic _Searching for the Traitor_.

I would appreciate some reviews. This is my first try for a song-fic and I'm not sure if its any good.

_**Hands of Time**_

_Life is a carousel_

Sirius Orion Black used to love life. Even when he lived with his parents and were punished every time, he disagreed with them (not physically of course but those eyes were more than enough, no matter how old he got). Even when he did the Thing and the Marauders weren't speaking to him for nearly a month (he never expected **Snape** to listen to him, if he was smart enough to figure out Remus' secret he should have known that going there was dangerous). Even when he ran away from home, (he never told anyone how much it pained him to do that and how many nights he lay awake trying to convince himself that it was the right thing to do). Even when he agreed to join the Order of the Phoenix and fait against his family (because they **were** his family no matter what, even Bellatrix) and separate from them completely.

Yes, Sirius loved life even at its worst but not anymore, because now life meant Azkaban and Dementors, and seeing Lily and James' bodies lying unmoving on the floor of the half-destroyed cottage. It meant being alone at a small dark place and he was terrified (and he was a **Black**, Blacks weren't **scared**).

_And dancing 'round the mirrors we go up and down_

When he was young, he thought his life was perfect. He had a little brother that adored him; family that clearly cared for him (the older didn't show it much but they were Blacks, after all) surrounded him; he could have everything he wanted, from a toy broom to a new book (he rarely asked for those) and a practice wand. He was expected to behave in a certain way but all children he had met did the same, so he did it too.

When he got older he started to question some things, like why he couldn't play with the Muggle kids outside or why was his family special, or what was so wrong with the Mudbloods, they had magic too, didn't they? His mother explained that the Muggle kids were below his level and could be dangerous to him, a magical boy, because they didn't understand magic (how could someone not understand magic was beyond him). The House of Black was old and noble, of course it was special (that didn't answer his question, though). Yes, all Mudbloods had magic and could became good additions to the magical world, but they refused to let he Muggle word and held to the known and instead of changing to fit in they tried to change the Wizarding world so it could suit them.

_So let the music take away the hurt you've come to_

_Know so well_

The day before he was to go to Hogwarts he got into an awful row with his parents. Now, he had long forgotten the reason behind it but he clearly remembered how angry he had felt during the whole ride (he hid it well, he was a Black, but the anger was burning inside him the whole day). For the first time in his short life, Sirius Black decided to really rebel against his parents, so when the Hat told him that he could do well in Gryffindor he said yes. The small eleven-year-old didn't know what his decision would lead to. He only wanted to make his parents angry, as it happened.

Orion Black demanded a resorting but the Headmaster didn't agree. Sirius became the first Gryffindor Black in nearly four and a half centuries. He found friends it the lion House. Life was great then. He had high marks that made his parents happy and was civil enough to the other pureblood children from all Houses, so they let him be. Besides, his best friend was James Potter, whose mother was a Black. The boy had manners and was from a well-known pureblood family. Mother was delighted to have a good reason to speak with her first cousin.

_Let it go cuz_

Years passed and Sirius began to form his own opinions. He started to argue with his mother more and more; he was no longer the heir his father wanted; little Regulus was no longer an important figure in his life, just the little kid over there. Finally, during the Easter vacation before his O.W.E.s, he packed his things and left his childhood home early in the morning. He told James he had come directly to him but it was lie. He arrived about midnight, almost a day later.

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

He spent a lot of thinking during those hours. He asked himself many times if it was the right thing to do. He thought about his reasons. More than ones, Sirius was ready to go back, to think of some lie about why he had left.

He didn't do it, however. He had to protect them, and to do that he had to be away. He wasn't going to join Voldemort but he knew he wasn't the type to do nothing while his friends and innocent people were dying. Eventually he would have no choice but to fight against the new Dark Lord, even if that was against his principles. The moment he, the heir of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, join Dumbledore and the Ministry He will hurt his family but if Sirius were to be disowned, they would be safe. Also, when (not if, there wasn't an 'if' for him) joined the 'Light' he would be in position to protect his family, not from Voldemort but from the Ministry, because he knew that Bella had the mark, that Cissy knew enough from her sister and husband to be called 'involved' and little Regulus would bear the mark in the future. So, maybe, just maybe, this was worth it.

He prayed to the Magic that it was.

_Just let it go and you'll be fine_

_What's done is done and it's alright_

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

When Sirius graduated, he felt many things. There was happiness, because there will be no more homework, sorrow – his family continued to ignore him and he didn't hear a simple 'congratulations' from anyone wearing the name Black, nostalgic – the days he walked through the halls of Hogwarts like a student were over, fear – he was an adult now and Britain was in war. Above all, however, he felt relief – his brother won't be here anymore with his accusing eyes that followed him everywhere. He would be free. Yes, graduation meant freedom and that's what he wanted.

_Another day is gone_

Only a few months later James and Lily married, he was the best man, of course. Sirius will always remember that day with a smile on his face. The bride looked stunning in her white dress and for a brief moment, he wondered why he had never asked her out. Oh, yeah, because James would have had his head on a silver platter for flirting with his 'Lily-flower'. Speaking of the groom, he was surprised to see how much had his friend matured. He knew that when James said 'I do' he truly meant to fulfill his vows.

The after party was great, too. Lily's female friends were quite charming. The drinks were good and the picture he took of James when he stepped on his new bride's foot after the third glass of fire whisky was the best blackmailing material ever. He looked hilarious, trying to form an apology but failing to sound comprehensible.

_Washed away with sorrows that you dwelt upon_

_And as the moon is rising you think to yourself I_

James and Remus had joined the Order about a month after graduation. Lily and Peter didn't stay behind for too long. No one told him but he knew some of the other members: Marline, Alice and Frank, Doacs, the Prewett twins Fabian and Gideon and so many others who believed that the ones Voldemort was dead the war would be over. Idealists, the lot of them. One of the reasons why he refused the invitation before graduation and the one that followed four months later.

For Sirius this war was pointless and the outcome predictable. There would be no winner. No matter which side won and no matter when that happen, the damage would still be the same. Families would be torn apart, the government would be too corrupted to do some real work and innocent, along guilty, would be thrown in prison. The only difference was whether Muggle-borns would have some rights or not.

_Could be gone_

_If I go now_

It was more than a year later when Sirius joined the Order. He knew all about the rumors that were going through the Order. According to one, he had done it to be Voldemort's spy, this was the most realistic one. He, after all, did get an 'invitation' to join the Dark Lord. The Black refused, of course, and didn't tell anyone but his last name was enough to make people think that he had agreed. Another theory was that he had an affair with someone from the Order. All members were mentioned, both female and male. Some people played with the idea of him being involved with one of the Potters or both.

No one ever got near the truth. He joined because he had no other choice. A Death Eater had attacked him and he had fought back. After he had won, (Sirius was a natural dueler, after all, and there weren't that many at his skill level) he had delivered the wizard to the Ministry. That was the moment when people started speculating about when he had joined, so when Dumbledore had asked him once again he had said yes. He was too much involved to stay neutral for much longer, anyway.

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

_Just let it go and you'll be fine, oh_

It was his twentieth birthday when he found out that Regulus was dead. Cissa said that they hadn't found the body but the Black tapestry had showed his death. His blond cousin told him that the funeral would be held the following day and he should come. This wasn't the worst, however. She informed him that his father sickness was getting worst and he may not live any longer. She hugged him lightly and left after that.

Sirius attended the funeral and talked with his father. Cissa was right, he was very sick. In fact, Orion Black outlived his younger son with only one month. His elder inhered everything. Nobody (from the Light) knew about that. He didn't tell even James, his best friend probably suspected but he never asked. Sirius knew there was a reason he chose him for a best friend, for a second brother (because Reg never, **never**, stopped being one) .

_What's done is done and it's alright_

The day Harry was born was one of the happiest in Sirius' life. The first time he held the little baby he was afraid not to drop it and he nearly did after Lily told him he was the godfather, or hurt it. The redhead had smiled and told that if she thought he would hurt her baby she would have never let him touch it.

Everything seemed perfect, until the whole 'prophesy' business happened. Lily and James had to go into hiding and when they asked him to become the Secret keeper, he refused. The Slytherin part of him (because he was a Black, of course he had a Slytherin part) told him that it was too obvious, and obvious meant dangerous. Sirius proposed a change in the plan, to choose someone else, someone who no one would suspect, in other words – Peter Pettigrew.

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

Sirius had never thought that the spy would be Peter. Peter, the small plump boy that always tagged along and worshiped James and him; the boy that had become one of his best friends.

Now, lying on the floor of his cage, he stares at the grey stones of the selling and thinks about how he ended up here. About his family and friends. Tears are running down his cheeks while he relieves Father's funeral due to the Dementors powers.

He wants to go home, but he doesn't remember where home is anymore. He wants piece, he wants quiet, he wants to stop thinking, remembering, living. Death, he wants death... so he can see them.

_Nah nah nah nah_

Marline, with her chocolate eyes and sweet smile;

_Nah nah nah nah_

James and Lily, his brother and sister in all but blood;

_Nah nah nah nah_

Little Regulus, a mare boy, who met his demise too early while he had so much to live for;

_Nah nah nah nah_

His father, a men he had always respected, even if he didn't show it all the time;

_Nah nah nah nah_

Uncle Alphard, who was like his second father, someone he could always turn to with a problem;

_Nah nah nah nah_

He wants to die, so he would stop reliving all bad memories and keep his sanity. 'Mother, Father, Reg, I'm so sorry I was a bad son and brother. James, Lily, I thought Peter was the best choice. Remus, forgive me for suspecting you. Marline, I loved you, I still do, don't forget me.'

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

_Just let it go and you'll be fine, yeah_

_What's done is done and it's alright_

Sirius is innocent he knows that. He shouldn't be here. He should be somewhere else, with someone else… but where, and with whom, he can't remember. Everything is foggy. Thinking is so hard sometimes.

_(It's alright)_

He never got a trial. Everyone thought he was guilty, and those who didn't couldn't help him. Cissa visited him once a year. Her presence kept him sane. Seeing a familiar face, even if only for fifteen minutes, brought back the light and chased the darkness he had lost in. His mother was death, she told him, and he wondered if his cousin knew what she was doing to him.

Each year, at 11th October (his birthday), she would come and they would talk for fifteen minutes. Those minutes would be a blessing and a curse, a freedom from the dark memories and a reminder of what he had lost.

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

_Da da da da da_

**He** is alive. **He** is in Hogwarts. **He** can hurt Harry. Sirius has to kill the rat; no, he has to capture him. But, he wants to kill him so much, to use the darkest curses on him and make him pay for putting him in this hell, for taking his life away, for betraying Lily and James. To do this, he has to escape. How, how could he do this?

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

_Just let it go and you'll be fine_

_What's done is done and it's alright_

Sirius is thin enough to slip through the bars, the Dementors won't notice until it is too late. He is hungry and cold but he has to live – for Harry and for himself, for all that died, for his cousin, who pushed for a trial s many times. He won't die, not here, in the freezing sea like a stray dog, not now, when **he** is so close to his godson.

_(It's alright)_

_You can't turn back the hands of time_

It's been nearly thirteen years since that fateful day, since he has been buried in his memories of the past. He has to look forward and think of the future. He has to be strong because one day, one day he will catch that rat and have his revenge, then he will be free and take care of Harry. He will have his life back but for now, he has to hunt a certain rat. And may She be merciful to **his** soul because he wouldn't. He would show **him** what happens when you anger a Black.


End file.
